Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Yesterday was great...

we went through the whole day with no meltdowns, no put-downs, just nice and pleasant. It's days like yesterday that give me the bit of strength I need to get through the rest of the days.

Today I was told to "quit being snobby" and to get off my "fat, lazy ***" when I told him I'm not going to run as part of this exercise plan he wants us to get on when we live in the same house. I'm not a runner. I never have been.

I'm a stress eater and not just a stress eater, a stress weight-gainer. Even if I'm eating healthy and exercising I put on weight and/or retain weight if I'm in a stressful or unhappy situation. I've been to see doctors and everything. I'm just a fatty when I'm unhappy. Now, I'm not massively huge or anything... I'm about 30-40 lbs over where I'd like to be, kinda average for a mom. I lost weight during the few months I was single a couple of years ago. I just had no desire for sweets and I had energy to work-out and I was happy. I know the happiness was the biggest key. I went from a size 16 to a size 10 in about 5 months with very little work. Since I married Mike a little over a year and a half ago I've put most of that weight back on. It's really sad for me. But I know that until my life becomes a bit more happy and my relationship becomes a bit more functional I won't lose any weight. It's hard for me to hear him tell me I'm fat and lazy. I know I'm not lazy. I'm one of those crazy busy moms that works and is in the PTA presidency and directs children's plays and does my church calling and cooks and crafts and blah, blah, blah. But I guess in his mind because I've put on weight since I've married him I'm just lazy or I'd lose the weight. Frustrating!!!

I go to counseling tonight. It's my second to last session before I move. I really look forward to these sessions. I wish I could have more. They really help to give me the strength I need to set the boundaries and rules for our family. It's also nice to be reminded that if I was to walk away from this marriage, it would be ok. I wouldn't be failing. It's not my job to save him if he doesn't want to be saved. I know I'm moving and I'm staying with him as long as things are progressing, but it's still nice to hear that I have options.


  1. Thanks for visiting my blog . I hope that it didn't offend you that I don't believe in curing aspergers . That is not that same as saying that I don't think that some behaviors associated with AS could be improved, just that I believe that the same is true for all humans . Who could not be better and would not want to work towards that goal ?

    The behavior of your AS partner shocks me . I've known many aspie on-line and in person and none of them have been abusive to me . "Indifferent" because of their own special interests not coinciding with mine, but never mean .

    My only experience with an abusive partner was someone who was ADHD . I'm not saying that is the cause of your partner abuse but that it may not be directly related to AS . In his case, he had a very disturbing childhood with an alcoholic mother . Point being that having As does not rule out other psychological issues but may intensify them .

    Whatever the "cause", I find it very difficult to believe that you are still in the relationship . I find the whole thing very illogical . You don't even like him or his kids...why submit, not only yourself but your own kids to such an unhealthy environment ? Having lived in your own dysfunctional family setting, does it not feel like you are trying to change the past by changing the future ? (sorry for the psychobabble but I was a psych major and had more then my fair share of therapy )

    I hope you aren't offend by my statements . I am not meaning to be hurtful, honestly . If I didn't care about you, I would simply disregard your situation but I actually feel pain when I see/hear about others suffering . I know the theory is that aspies are not empathetic but I believe that some of us are hyper-sensitive to others and THAT is why we with-draw from people .

    Trust your gut...scientifically speaking it actually is directly connected to your brain..(true, google it) . Your gut is telling you that you can not change some one who sees nothing wrong with their behavior and nothing could be more true .


  2. No no no no....

    "Today I was told to "quit being snobby" and to get off my "fat, lazy ***" "

    This isn't Asperger's talking. It's a total lack of respect on your husband's part. It's true that aspies sometimes get confused and don't realise that what they say hurts other people - but not to this extent, not this far into a marriage.

    This sounds like a direct attack on you. It is abuse that you should NOT have to accept.

    Trying to pass this off as aspergers only gives us aspies a bad name. Sometimes it's the person, not the condition.

    Also... I don't get the "counselling" - are you going on your own? It's all fine and dandy to be told that you're a good person (it seems pretty obvious here anyway - but being told is nice). I don't see how it can be helping your relationship though.

    Surely you AND your husband could benefit from seeing someone together? Wouldn't his willingness to do something like this signify that he's willing to work on the relationship too?

    1. I admire all that you do as a wife and a mother! I know how difficult it can be to live with someone with aspergers, but my advice to you is don't give up! My sister has aspergers and growing up, I never understood why she needed all the attention and why she was constantly throwing tantrums. It was definitely a rough road, but now I know with the help of http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ep more about the syndrome and ways I can be the best support for my sister. I hope you take a look!