I'm going to address both of the comments I received on my last posting in a new posting here :)
My husband and I met online... him living in Nevada and me living in Utah. We've never lived in the same house or even the same state. I'm moving over there in two weeks. That is why I see one counselor and he sees another. He's seeing a counselor to work on his ADHD and aspergers. I see my counselor to try and get over this cycle of abuse I seem to be in. When I move then we will see someone together and separately.
I believe that his abusive behavior is related to his aspergers. Not an excuse for it, for sure, and maybe not a typical aspergers trait. And definitely not ok. I know that. It is absolutely not ok. But I do know he's been "trained" to be the way he is. He's been in the military for 10 years, which is a say whatever atmosphere and he was in a marriage filled with screaming, disrespect and name-calling for years. He's never had anyone force him to be accountable for his behavior. I'm not making excuses for him AT ALL. But I'm trying to teach him to be respectful. The more I talk to wives, mothers (and exwives) of people with aspergers, the more I'm seeing that verbal or emotional abuse is common. Sad.
I don't like him most of the time. But I do love him and I see improvements in him all the time. A year ago we never had a day go by that he wasn't horrible to me. Now I have those good days. Maybe soon a good week? Or a good month? It doesn't seem logical to stay with someone that is so disrespectful and verbally abusive and that was the main thing that led me to counseling. I've never had a functional relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and got married at 17 to someone that was very disrespectful and emotionally abusive. I went to counseling to try and break the cycle I'm in of putting up with abuse from men that are close to me.
I think knowing that he has aspergers helps me to think (and maybe I'm delusional) that if we get to the root of his anger and disrespect that he can actually change for the better. Maybe I'm crazy.
I will never tell him this (because I know he'd stop trying), but I'm giving it a year... a year of us living together and going to counseling. If in a year I feel like the relationship is something I could be in forever then I'll stay and keep going. It's hard, but I'm strong. Hopefully things would still improve, but I think a year is a good time frame. If in a year he is still being verbally abusive or any sort of abusive, then I'll go. He'll be deployed soon after that and I think it would be a good time to make some decisions.
As for me being nice. LOL I am too nice, I think. I'm the type of person that wants to help everyone all the time. Which is why I put up with more than someone else would. I also have a very high empathy level. My husband's counselor had us take the empathy quotient test. Some of you may be familiar with it. It's scored from 1-80. A normal woman is 47ish, a normal man is 42ish, an average aspergers person is about 20. My husband is a 10. And I'm a 72!!! I feel everything for everyone. If I see someone happy, I'm happy. I cry at everything. Every sappy commercial will bring tears to my eyes. LOL I truly love everyone. Doesn't mean I like everyone, but I do love them. I'm also extremely patient and forgiving. We are on such extreme ends of the empathy world it's amazing we've even made it this long. LOL My husband describes me as annoyingly happy. I don't need a counselor to tell me I'm nice. I do need a counselor to help me sort through the hell I've been through most of my life.
I don't know if this answers anything. Our situation is very odd, but I'm hoping and praying I'm doing the right thing by moving. I've been back and forth for the last year and a half. I've thought over and over again that I should leave him and I think I would have if he wouldn't have gotten this aspergers diagnosis a couple of months ago. I was at the leaving point.
I believe in marriage and I believe that until I have done everything that I can to make it work then I can't give up. So... here I am :)