Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I appreciate your comments!

I'm going to address both of the comments I received on my last posting in a new posting here :)

My husband and I met online... him living in Nevada and me living in Utah. We've never lived in the same house or even the same state. I'm moving over there in two weeks. That is why I see one counselor and he sees another. He's seeing a counselor to work on his ADHD and aspergers. I see my counselor to try and get over this cycle of abuse I seem to be in. When I move then we will see someone together and separately.

I believe that his abusive behavior is related to his aspergers. Not an excuse for it, for sure, and maybe not a typical aspergers trait. And definitely not ok. I know that. It is absolutely not ok. But I do know he's been "trained" to be the way he is. He's been in the military for 10 years, which is a say whatever atmosphere and he was in a marriage filled with screaming, disrespect and name-calling for years. He's never had anyone force him to be accountable for his behavior. I'm not making excuses for him AT ALL. But I'm trying to teach him to be respectful. The more I talk to wives, mothers (and exwives) of people with aspergers, the more I'm seeing that verbal or emotional abuse is common. Sad.

I don't like him most of the time. But I do love him and I see improvements in him all the time. A year ago we never had a day go by that he wasn't horrible to me. Now I have those good days. Maybe soon a good week? Or a good month? It doesn't seem logical to stay with someone that is so disrespectful and verbally abusive and that was the main thing that led me to counseling. I've never had a functional relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and got married at 17 to someone that was very disrespectful and emotionally abusive. I went to counseling to try and break the cycle I'm in of putting up with abuse from men that are close to me.

I think knowing that he has aspergers helps me to think (and maybe I'm delusional) that if we get to the root of his anger and disrespect that he can actually change for the better. Maybe I'm crazy.

I will never tell him this (because I know he'd stop trying), but I'm giving it a year... a year of us living together and going to counseling. If in a year I feel like the relationship is something I could be in forever then I'll stay and keep going. It's hard, but I'm strong. Hopefully things would still improve, but I think a year is a good time frame. If in a year he is still being verbally abusive or any sort of abusive, then I'll go. He'll be deployed soon after that and I think it would be a good time to make some decisions.

As for me being nice. LOL I am too nice, I think. I'm the type of person that wants to help everyone all the time. Which is why I put up with more than someone else would. I also have a very high empathy level. My husband's counselor had us take the empathy quotient test. Some of you may be familiar with it. It's scored from 1-80. A normal woman is 47ish, a normal man is 42ish, an average aspergers person is about 20. My husband is a 10. And I'm a 72!!! I feel everything for everyone. If I see someone happy, I'm happy. I cry at everything. Every sappy commercial will bring tears to my eyes. LOL I truly love everyone. Doesn't mean I like everyone, but I do love them. I'm also extremely patient and forgiving. We are on such extreme ends of the empathy world it's amazing we've even made it this long. LOL My husband describes me as annoyingly happy. I don't need a counselor to tell me I'm nice. I do need a counselor to help me sort through the hell I've been through most of my life.

I don't know if this answers anything. Our situation is very odd, but I'm hoping and praying I'm doing the right thing by moving. I've been back and forth for the last year and a half. I've thought over and over again that I should leave him and I think I would have if he wouldn't have gotten this aspergers diagnosis a couple of months ago. I was at the leaving point.

I believe in marriage and I believe that until I have done everything that I can to make it work then I can't give up. So... here I am :)


  1. Thanks for clarifying all of this. It makes a lot more sense now.

    You'll never be able to make your husband more "empathetic". I took the quiz and scored 12, yet I'm considered to be a loving father and husband.

    You may however be able to settle your marriage by becoming a couple who respect eachother.

    Sometimes I think respect counts for more than empathy anyway.

  2. You are in exactly the same position I am in. I keep reading more of your posts in surprise, lol. I am super empathic to everyone and I had a fairly unpleasant childhood involving (mostly) psychological abuse. Maybe its some kind of self medication technique to try and fix someone else with abuse kinds of problems, with the kinds of backgrounds we have but... it feels like the right thing to do. And I am one who trusts my instincts.
    Wow. You should email me so we can talk! I'm excited - you're the first person I've ever seen who is in the same situation and I am and sees it the same way. Ok I know I'm some random person on the internet, lol, so I'll quit making tons of posts on your blog and leave to you. Cheers <3

  3. Can you help me? I am 38 and have been dating a guy I suspect has Asperger's for the past 5 months. He is 40 and neither of us has been married. I am new to this Asperger's Syndrom but I always felt as if something was different about him. A friend with a 12 year old Autistic son educated me about this syndrome. I too have never had a functional relationship and oddly enough this is the most faithful guy I have ever dated.

    At what cost do we accept fidelity? He is cold, detached, critical, emotionally unavailable and nurturing and can say the rudest stuff I have ever heard. Last week I told him I would be alone for Christmas and he said "heh,'s like you are pressuring me to invite you home with me!!" He has commented I talk too much, will interrupt my stories to say " you haven't asked about my day" and care less about what I am saying after that..... The list goes on...

    I know he has a mental handicap so I forgive most of it but he makes me cry sometimes. I am the daughter of an emotionally unavailable mother and verbally abusive alcholic father so I can put up with this guy's behavior much more easily than anyone from a healthy home. this makes me sad though.

    I wish I has an Asperger's support group here in Dallas because I am at my witts end. Why do I stay with him? Well there is a side to him that is so unique and interesting. I can also tell that he loves me by the way he loves on me at night. I have mentioned to him about this syndrome and he seemed angry I was labeling him. Are these the signs of Aspergers?

    He also never holds eye contact, lives a very isolated life away from friends in his small condo! Is a creature of habit and can't have his morning routine or any routine disrupted! Well I feel so shut out of this guys life that it feels unsafe yet he doesn't think anything is wrong!! In Fact he doesn't even think he's being rude EVER. Can you email me and give me some confirmation about my suspicions based on your experience please? It is causing a depression like I've never known. I no longer am taking care of myself and am completely unmotivated to do anything because of what this is doing to me psychologically. I think I want out. Please email at

  4. I don't care what he has. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH ABUSE. EVER. PERIOD!!!

  5. Aspergers is Tuff.My husband has aspergers and I must say be ready for a lonely road ahead.I've been with NY husband for 5 years 7 months and I am ready to go.His son also has aspergers and lives with us full time. There comes a time where you MUST love yourself and sonner than later let go.