4th of July

I called him this morning. Mostly because I was feeling like I never wanted to see or talk to him again so I figured I better call now or I may never. He asked why I'm sad. I said I was still sad from last night because I was sad when I went to bed.

He said I'm too emotional and should just get over it. Just love the sensitivity and caring he oozes.

Not the happiest me...

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't wanna put up with it or him. I wish I could walk away.

I had a good day at work today and then we had a fun movie night with my coworkers. It was nice and fun and relaxing.

Then I called my husband on my way home... and my night is ruined. All that happiness I felt is gone. Between him telling me that he's always right and his sarcastic "Oh hail you, savior of everything..." and his rudeness and me finally hanging up on him I have to wonder why. I don't even know why we fight. It's like he just looks for reasons to cause issues. Why? Why am I still here putting up with this? Because I love him? Sometimes I wonder. I know I don't like him. How could I? He puts me down on a regular basis. I get no validation or support from him.

I'm moving to another state to be with him in a matter of weeks. Two weeks to be exact. I'm leaving behind all that I know to live with someone that is rude, disrespectful & doesn't show me love. It doesn't make sense. I must be the stupidest woman alive.

I just want normal... someone that will love me and let me love them back. Is that too much to ask? Will I ever get that with my husband? Maybe...

Uuuggghhh

I get so frustrated! I've been working on the boundary thing with Mike for the last few weeks and I hate that I have to do it. Right now we don't live together and so any time he says something that is disrespectful or inappropriate I hang up on him. I'm trying to teach/train him on the boundaries of what is acceptable to say to people. It's sooo hard. And I guess I should mention this is at the suggestion of my counselor. In the past he would say I was cheating on him if I needed to get off the phone to do something with the kids or flip out over next to nothing, swearing and calling me names. We're trying to socially train him in what's acceptable when talking to your wife.

This morning we were talking about me not working anymore. He said that it's one thing for moms to stay home when their kids are like two, but my kids are teenagers. First off... my kids are almost eight, nine and 12. None of them are teenagers! But that's besides the point and I didn't even mention that to him. I DID say that I feel it's just as important for a mom to be home when the kids get home from school as it is for a mom to be home when they're toddlers. He told me I was so stupid sometimes. So...CLICK. I hung up. Calling me stupid is one of those boundaries I'm trying to teach him. You can't call your wife stupid. You can tell her that you disagree or whatever, but I'm not stupid. This is hard.

I do see things improving though. When I first started this "training" (and if he knew I called it that he'd flip out) then he would get really mad if I hung up on him. He'd text and call and text and call and leave me mean messages and be really hurtful, but now he's realizing that he said something that was disrespectful to me and I just talk to him later. Of course he doesn't think it's disrespectful. He doesn't even believe in verbal or emotional abuse. He thinks they're made up things by emotionally unstable women. How can you make someone understand the hurt felt because of an unkind word when they don't really feel like we do?

Who Am I?

First off, I'm not a journaler, I'm a blogger. So when my counselor suggested keeping a journal, I knew it would be an online one. To protect the privacy of my family, due to the personal nature of this blog, all names have been changed and it's not a typo, I'm spelling them the way I want. It's my blog. LOL I have other blogs, but this is a different side of me... a different kind of blog. Let me introduce my family first and then I'll get to myself.

Mike is my husband. This is a second marriage for both of us. As of July 2009, we've been married a little over a year and a half. Mike has Aperger's Syndrome (AS). We have just discovered this a few months ago. I thought I had just married a mean, verbally abusive, out of control, uncaring person. Now we know. He also has ADHD, social anxieties and a reading disorder. It's a lot to handle and I pray every day for the strength to keep going.

I have three kids and he has three kids. Their ages right now are: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, & 12. Yes, we have our hands full. I guess you can see where this whole Brady Bunch thing came from, huh? My kids live with me full time and we have Mike's kids every other weekend and random holidays.

Marsha is my oldest and the oldest of all six. She's 12 years old. She's always been my hardest child. She has inherited many traits from her dad which means her and I clash. Big time. She's getting a better as she gets older, but I know her and I will always have to work extra hard to get along.

Jan is my middle child. She's nine years old and she's sweet and caring and smart and everyone loves her. She's always every teachers favorite student. Of all my kids I see more of myself in her than any of the others. She puts everyone else first and is a peacemaker.

Peter is my youngest and is the youngest of the whole clan. He'll be eight next week. He's a super smart and caring kid, but he is ALL BOY. He's in trouble often, but it's never mean-spirited trouble, just the "boys being boys" type.

Cindy is Mike's oldest. She's 11. She, like her dad, suffers from ADHD. The reason I gave her the name Cindy is she's about the whiniest person I've ever met in my life. She doesn't seem to be able to communicate in a normal tone of voice. It's whine, whine, whine.

Greg is 10. He's our oldest boy. He also has ADHD and takes at least two meds for it. He eats like no person I've ever met. He thinks about food from sun-up til sun-down. He seems anxious all the time and makes me a bit insane.

Bobbi is 8. She's Mike's youngest. She is bossy and loud and has been spoiled rotten her whole life. I don't mean to sound really down on my step-kids, but they haven't exactly had the best parenting in their lives. I have regular email run-ins with their mother who will be known as Cruella.

Now to me: Who am I? I'm a 30 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints (LDS or Mormon). I'm a mom, I'm a crafter, a baker, a blogger, a facebooker and a homemaker. I'm EXTREMELY patient and it's a good thing, because if I wasn't I would have either divorced or killed my husband by now. I grew up in an emotionally/verbally and sometimes physically abusive home. I got married at 17 to escape my family and the small town I lived in. I spent 10 1/2 years in a dysfunctional marriage with a porn addict. I will refer to my exhusband as Black Bart or Bart for short. I've never had an easy happy life, but it is my goal to get to that point. This blog is open and completely honest. It's just me...