The Countdown Begins

Days... yes it's only days until I'm moving. I'm pretty much freaking out. I've never spent that much time with my husband. Weird, I know. I'm hoping that we can keep making progress. I'm sad to leave my job and my friends. I'm sad to leave my home state where I've live most of my life. I love it here. And mostly I'm sad because I'm going to the unknown. I like to be in control of my life and plan and know what's going on. There are just so many unknowns. Yikes.

Mike hung up on me last night. He called after I was in bed. I was watching tv and half asleep and he hung up because I wasn't paying attention to him. I thought I was, but then again he called me when I was in my sleep zone. We've got to work a bit more on this communication thing. I wish he would express that he was feeling that I wasn't listening when it was happening and then I could reassure him that I was just really tired. Instead he hung up and I felt bad. Then today he told me he was annoyed that I wasn't listening. Baby steps.

:)

Yesterday was another good day. I'm amazed. So far this week there has only been one time where my husband was rude/disrespectful. We're making progress. Hip Hooray!

Usually when I try to compliment Mike on things, especially things like his behavior, he doesn't respond well. If I say things have been pleasant this week then I'll hear a response like, "that's because you haven't said anything stupid this week" or if I tell him I'm proud of him then I hear, "why don't you pat my head and give me a doggy treat?" So frustrating when I'm trying to express my appreciation for the changes he's making.

WELL, yesterday I told him that I was proud of him, that I knew it was really hard for him to do things that are against anything he's ever done before. I told him I appreciated the respect he's been showing me. And he said... THANK YOU. I was blown away. He's never been one for taking compliments. He usually questions them with a why or a what do you want. He said thank you. My little heart went pitter-patter. What a new development. I've been feeling really good the last couple of days. I know there will be set-backs, so I don't want to get too excited and be hurt, but I'm very grateful for these little blessings.

Also, a weird thing... I got an email from Mike's mom. I had emailed all of his family a few weeks ago and let them know of his diagnosis. I heard back from his brothers and sisters, but not his parents. We wondered if it's because his dad has all the same tenancies. But after this email, I wonder if it's just because Mike's mom didn't know if she should tell me some stuff about him. She said that she knew something was wrong with him and she'd go from doctor to doctor and they'd tell her she was crazy. I guess both her parents and her in-laws told her he was the way he was because they were bad parents and one set of grandparents tried to take him away. She said because of that they stopped telling family about what was going on with their kids and grandkids. Weird. Mike didn't know anything about that. What a hard thing for his mom who was a young mother with her first child. I'm so grateful that we have the information now that we do so we can help our children when they need it.

I appreciate your comments!

I'm going to address both of the comments I received on my last posting in a new posting here :)

My husband and I met online... him living in Nevada and me living in Utah. We've never lived in the same house or even the same state. I'm moving over there in two weeks. That is why I see one counselor and he sees another. He's seeing a counselor to work on his ADHD and aspergers. I see my counselor to try and get over this cycle of abuse I seem to be in. When I move then we will see someone together and separately.

I believe that his abusive behavior is related to his aspergers. Not an excuse for it, for sure, and maybe not a typical aspergers trait. And definitely not ok. I know that. It is absolutely not ok. But I do know he's been "trained" to be the way he is. He's been in the military for 10 years, which is a say whatever atmosphere and he was in a marriage filled with screaming, disrespect and name-calling for years. He's never had anyone force him to be accountable for his behavior. I'm not making excuses for him AT ALL. But I'm trying to teach him to be respectful. The more I talk to wives, mothers (and exwives) of people with aspergers, the more I'm seeing that verbal or emotional abuse is common. Sad.

I don't like him most of the time. But I do love him and I see improvements in him all the time. A year ago we never had a day go by that he wasn't horrible to me. Now I have those good days. Maybe soon a good week? Or a good month? It doesn't seem logical to stay with someone that is so disrespectful and verbally abusive and that was the main thing that led me to counseling. I've never had a functional relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and got married at 17 to someone that was very disrespectful and emotionally abusive. I went to counseling to try and break the cycle I'm in of putting up with abuse from men that are close to me.

I think knowing that he has aspergers helps me to think (and maybe I'm delusional) that if we get to the root of his anger and disrespect that he can actually change for the better. Maybe I'm crazy.

I will never tell him this (because I know he'd stop trying), but I'm giving it a year... a year of us living together and going to counseling. If in a year I feel like the relationship is something I could be in forever then I'll stay and keep going. It's hard, but I'm strong. Hopefully things would still improve, but I think a year is a good time frame. If in a year he is still being verbally abusive or any sort of abusive, then I'll go. He'll be deployed soon after that and I think it would be a good time to make some decisions.

As for me being nice. LOL I am too nice, I think. I'm the type of person that wants to help everyone all the time. Which is why I put up with more than someone else would. I also have a very high empathy level. My husband's counselor had us take the empathy quotient test. Some of you may be familiar with it. It's scored from 1-80. A normal woman is 47ish, a normal man is 42ish, an average aspergers person is about 20. My husband is a 10. And I'm a 72!!! I feel everything for everyone. If I see someone happy, I'm happy. I cry at everything. Every sappy commercial will bring tears to my eyes. LOL I truly love everyone. Doesn't mean I like everyone, but I do love them. I'm also extremely patient and forgiving. We are on such extreme ends of the empathy world it's amazing we've even made it this long. LOL My husband describes me as annoyingly happy. I don't need a counselor to tell me I'm nice. I do need a counselor to help me sort through the hell I've been through most of my life.

I don't know if this answers anything. Our situation is very odd, but I'm hoping and praying I'm doing the right thing by moving. I've been back and forth for the last year and a half. I've thought over and over again that I should leave him and I think I would have if he wouldn't have gotten this aspergers diagnosis a couple of months ago. I was at the leaving point.

I believe in marriage and I believe that until I have done everything that I can to make it work then I can't give up. So... here I am :)

Yesterday was great...

we went through the whole day with no meltdowns, no put-downs, just nice and pleasant. It's days like yesterday that give me the bit of strength I need to get through the rest of the days.

Today I was told to "quit being snobby" and to get off my "fat, lazy ***" when I told him I'm not going to run as part of this exercise plan he wants us to get on when we live in the same house. I'm not a runner. I never have been.

I'm a stress eater and not just a stress eater, a stress weight-gainer. Even if I'm eating healthy and exercising I put on weight and/or retain weight if I'm in a stressful or unhappy situation. I've been to see doctors and everything. I'm just a fatty when I'm unhappy. Now, I'm not massively huge or anything... I'm about 30-40 lbs over where I'd like to be, kinda average for a mom. I lost weight during the few months I was single a couple of years ago. I just had no desire for sweets and I had energy to work-out and I was happy. I know the happiness was the biggest key. I went from a size 16 to a size 10 in about 5 months with very little work. Since I married Mike a little over a year and a half ago I've put most of that weight back on. It's really sad for me. But I know that until my life becomes a bit more happy and my relationship becomes a bit more functional I won't lose any weight. It's hard for me to hear him tell me I'm fat and lazy. I know I'm not lazy. I'm one of those crazy busy moms that works and is in the PTA presidency and directs children's plays and does my church calling and cooks and crafts and blah, blah, blah. But I guess in his mind because I've put on weight since I've married him I'm just lazy or I'd lose the weight. Frustrating!!!

I go to counseling tonight. It's my second to last session before I move. I really look forward to these sessions. I wish I could have more. They really help to give me the strength I need to set the boundaries and rules for our family. It's also nice to be reminded that if I was to walk away from this marriage, it would be ok. I wouldn't be failing. It's not my job to save him if he doesn't want to be saved. I know I'm moving and I'm staying with him as long as things are progressing, but it's still nice to hear that I have options.

Monday, Monday

Today isn't too bad. No terribly mean words have been said to me yet. LOL

I hope that I can get through to my husband that his "honesty" in all things is very unkind to me. I can't take being told I'm fat, stupid, a moron, etc. You can be honest without being rude and disrespectful. Hopefully he learns it soon!

Tough Stuff

I had a really good talk with a friend yesterday. She's in the process of getting a divorce from her abusive husband. So often I think I should just leave Mike. Aspergers or not, I shouldn't have to deal with emotional and verbal abuse on a daily basis. I know he has improved so much since I first met him, but he's still nowhere near where he needs to be.

Today he sent me a couple of nice text messages. A couple of weeks ago I asked him to start sending me two positive texts a day and he does it most of the time. They're usually just something like "Have a wonderful day" or "I miss you", but I really appreciate them. I need that tiny bit of blue skies to get through the rest of the time with him so I can see that glimmer of hope...

Maybe someday soon he'll be able to verbalize kind words.

Last night I watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You. It made me think of my husband. He just doesn't seem to be that into me. Sad. I know he loves me, I just wish he could/would show it.

4th of July

I called him this morning. Mostly because I was feeling like I never wanted to see or talk to him again so I figured I better call now or I may never. He asked why I'm sad. I said I was still sad from last night because I was sad when I went to bed.

He said I'm too emotional and should just get over it. Just love the sensitivity and caring he oozes.

Not the happiest me...

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't wanna put up with it or him. I wish I could walk away.

I had a good day at work today and then we had a fun movie night with my coworkers. It was nice and fun and relaxing.

Then I called my husband on my way home... and my night is ruined. All that happiness I felt is gone. Between him telling me that he's always right and his sarcastic "Oh hail you, savior of everything..." and his rudeness and me finally hanging up on him I have to wonder why. I don't even know why we fight. It's like he just looks for reasons to cause issues. Why? Why am I still here putting up with this? Because I love him? Sometimes I wonder. I know I don't like him. How could I? He puts me down on a regular basis. I get no validation or support from him.

I'm moving to another state to be with him in a matter of weeks. Two weeks to be exact. I'm leaving behind all that I know to live with someone that is rude, disrespectful & doesn't show me love. It doesn't make sense. I must be the stupidest woman alive.

I just want normal... someone that will love me and let me love them back. Is that too much to ask? Will I ever get that with my husband? Maybe...

Uuuggghhh

I get so frustrated! I've been working on the boundary thing with Mike for the last few weeks and I hate that I have to do it. Right now we don't live together and so any time he says something that is disrespectful or inappropriate I hang up on him. I'm trying to teach/train him on the boundaries of what is acceptable to say to people. It's sooo hard. And I guess I should mention this is at the suggestion of my counselor. In the past he would say I was cheating on him if I needed to get off the phone to do something with the kids or flip out over next to nothing, swearing and calling me names. We're trying to socially train him in what's acceptable when talking to your wife.

This morning we were talking about me not working anymore. He said that it's one thing for moms to stay home when their kids are like two, but my kids are teenagers. First off... my kids are almost eight, nine and 12. None of them are teenagers! But that's besides the point and I didn't even mention that to him. I DID say that I feel it's just as important for a mom to be home when the kids get home from school as it is for a mom to be home when they're toddlers. He told me I was so stupid sometimes. So...CLICK. I hung up. Calling me stupid is one of those boundaries I'm trying to teach him. You can't call your wife stupid. You can tell her that you disagree or whatever, but I'm not stupid. This is hard.

I do see things improving though. When I first started this "training" (and if he knew I called it that he'd flip out) then he would get really mad if I hung up on him. He'd text and call and text and call and leave me mean messages and be really hurtful, but now he's realizing that he said something that was disrespectful to me and I just talk to him later. Of course he doesn't think it's disrespectful. He doesn't even believe in verbal or emotional abuse. He thinks they're made up things by emotionally unstable women. How can you make someone understand the hurt felt because of an unkind word when they don't really feel like we do?

Who Am I?

First off, I'm not a journaler, I'm a blogger. So when my counselor suggested keeping a journal, I knew it would be an online one. To protect the privacy of my family, due to the personal nature of this blog, all names have been changed and it's not a typo, I'm spelling them the way I want. It's my blog. LOL I have other blogs, but this is a different side of me... a different kind of blog. Let me introduce my family first and then I'll get to myself.

Mike is my husband. This is a second marriage for both of us. As of July 2009, we've been married a little over a year and a half. Mike has Aperger's Syndrome (AS). We have just discovered this a few months ago. I thought I had just married a mean, verbally abusive, out of control, uncaring person. Now we know. He also has ADHD, social anxieties and a reading disorder. It's a lot to handle and I pray every day for the strength to keep going.

I have three kids and he has three kids. Their ages right now are: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, & 12. Yes, we have our hands full. I guess you can see where this whole Brady Bunch thing came from, huh? My kids live with me full time and we have Mike's kids every other weekend and random holidays.

Marsha is my oldest and the oldest of all six. She's 12 years old. She's always been my hardest child. She has inherited many traits from her dad which means her and I clash. Big time. She's getting a better as she gets older, but I know her and I will always have to work extra hard to get along.

Jan is my middle child. She's nine years old and she's sweet and caring and smart and everyone loves her. She's always every teachers favorite student. Of all my kids I see more of myself in her than any of the others. She puts everyone else first and is a peacemaker.

Peter is my youngest and is the youngest of the whole clan. He'll be eight next week. He's a super smart and caring kid, but he is ALL BOY. He's in trouble often, but it's never mean-spirited trouble, just the "boys being boys" type.

Cindy is Mike's oldest. She's 11. She, like her dad, suffers from ADHD. The reason I gave her the name Cindy is she's about the whiniest person I've ever met in my life. She doesn't seem to be able to communicate in a normal tone of voice. It's whine, whine, whine.

Greg is 10. He's our oldest boy. He also has ADHD and takes at least two meds for it. He eats like no person I've ever met. He thinks about food from sun-up til sun-down. He seems anxious all the time and makes me a bit insane.

Bobbi is 8. She's Mike's youngest. She is bossy and loud and has been spoiled rotten her whole life. I don't mean to sound really down on my step-kids, but they haven't exactly had the best parenting in their lives. I have regular email run-ins with their mother who will be known as Cruella.

Now to me: Who am I? I'm a 30 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints (LDS or Mormon). I'm a mom, I'm a crafter, a baker, a blogger, a facebooker and a homemaker. I'm EXTREMELY patient and it's a good thing, because if I wasn't I would have either divorced or killed my husband by now. I grew up in an emotionally/verbally and sometimes physically abusive home. I got married at 17 to escape my family and the small town I lived in. I spent 10 1/2 years in a dysfunctional marriage with a porn addict. I will refer to my exhusband as Black Bart or Bart for short. I've never had an easy happy life, but it is my goal to get to that point. This blog is open and completely honest. It's just me...